


Not Your Fault

by AmaranthPrincess21



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 11:08:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4833143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaranthPrincess21/pseuds/AmaranthPrincess21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They said if he completed his mission, he'd be a great warrior. But there was no fanfare when he came home and even if there was, nothing could make up for the horrors he's seen and unable to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Your Fault

You hadn’t known Bertolt at all before he left on his mission. You had just been children when your parents arranged the marriage, promising once he came home you’d get married. What you knew of him was what your parents and other people told you. He was soft-spoken. He loved books. He was gentle. He was a warrior and if he came back from his mission, he would be one of the greatest warriors your home ever produced.

And so when he returned home, you were excited to see him. At seventeen years old, most of your friends were getting married and now you were ready to join them. Since you were little you dreamed of your warrior husband-to-be. He was strong, but was sensitive and kind. The two of you would discuss stories and he would be the best husband you could imagine.

But there was not a lot of fanfare when Bertolt came home. You were told he’d only completed part of his mission and because of that he was not a great warrior. But you disagreed. Some progress was better than none, after all. You only wished everyone else thought the same. Your wedding was quiet, only your family attending. 

Less than a year later, you stirred in your sleep, thoughts of the past year floating around. Your fingers reached for Bertolt only to find his side of the bed cold.  _Of course,_ you thought with disappointment. Getting up, you pulled his spare robe on and went into the living room. He liked it when you wore his clothes. Already you were wearing one of his shirts as a nightgown, but the more the merrier. Bertolt was on the sofa, your two-month-old daughter Elliana resting in his arms. He held a bottle in his hands, letting her drink from it. It would have been a sweet image if he hadn’t looked so sad.

“Hey,” you said softly, walking over and sitting down next to him. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes. I had a panic attack and couldn’t go back to sleep so I thought I’d feed the baby,” he replied quietly. A flash of hurt shot through your body.

“I told you to wake me up when that happens. I want to be able to help you,” you told him, trying your best to ignore any disappointment or pain you felt.

“You haven’t been sleeping well since we took the baby home,” he pointed out. “You always get up and feed the baby.” He paused. “I’m sorry.”

“No, there’s no need to be sorry,” you said, but he cut you off.

“It’s my fault we have a baby and you don’t sleep,” he said.

“Bertolt, I wanted the baby just as much as you did,” you reminded him gently, rubbing his arm. “I’m the one that tells you to get your sleep at night and takes care of the baby. It’s my fault.” Usually that was enough to calm him down. Hearing something wasn’t his fault was always calming for him, but tonight was difference. He just shook his head and look down at the floor.

“I just couldn’t get their faces out of my mind,” he whimpered, tears welling in his eyes. “I kept seeing them dead and all the blood and -”

“Hey, hey Bertl, you’re here, you’re safe, it’s all in the past,” you told him, words falling out of your mouth like a storming river. He couldn’t have two panic attacks in one night. It’d be too much. “My love, you’re okay. It’s only in your mind.”

“I don’t deserve any of this. I’ve killed so many people and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t deserve you or Elliana, I don’t deserve happiness, I shouldn’t be alive -”

“You were forced into it, they threatened you and everyone you love, Bertl. It wasn’t your choice and it’s not your fault.” Your daughter was fidgeting in his arms and you had to fight back the instinct to snatch her out of his arms and comfort her. He noticed Elliana’s discomfort and handed her over to you. He bolted up and disappeared deep into the house. A door slammed, leaving you alone in the living room with a heavy silence punctuated by masculine sobs and a squirming, unhappy baby. 

  


**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write some darker Bertolt stuff, like dealing with him after he's done his service and how it'd affect his loved ones.


End file.
